One Girl Revolution

Oh, Cleveland. Indeed you are a boundless source of amusement.

Vandals cut Internet line in Cleveland, causing online delays

So yeah, if you guys noticed something wrong with your Internets earlier this week, that was probably us. Sorry, guys. But to be fair, this incident was not without its fair share of amusement:

Near Euclid Avenue and East 65th Street, someone apparently used a chain saw Sunday afternoon to cut through a high-capacity Internet trunk line, part of the backbone of the Internet. Although the thieves may have been seeking copper, there is no copper in fiber-optic cable.

But wait, it gets better.

When workers went to fix the underground cables, they found that the coil of replacement cable they brought from a warehouse had been damaged by a gunshot, making it unusable.

Ok, so some of you may find that terrifying, but I think it's damn hilarious in a strange, black humor sort of way. Because this sort of shit happens here all the time! What you've seen and heard about Cleveland is true! (But not all of it is funny.) And yet, against all odds, we survive. We're perpetual losers, but we keep on trying.

Which is why it wouldn't surprise me if the Internet died again some time next week. They'll find that god damn copper wire someday.

I love you, Northeast Ohio. You never fail to amuse me.

Pwned.

Oh my god, I love history.

I was doing a little digging on Wiki last night for information about The Flats, an area of Cleveland that has been both an industrial and entertainment district throughout its long history. Little did I know that while reading the article, I would learn that the residents of Northeast Ohio have always shared a common trait - the personality subset known as "nasty, cynical bastard." To quote the article:

Cleveland's early development and population growth was slow until the arrival of the Ohio and Erie Canal, which brought a trade route from the Ohio River and other southern Ohio cities. It also brought a heavily Irish immigrant workforce to help construct the canal who took residence on the West Bank of the Flats and neighboring Ohio City. As Cleveland was developing, so too was Ohio City, whose prosperity was fueled by the West Side Market. Food taken from farms grown in Medina County via US 42 was being sold at the Market to residents of both Ohio City and Cleveland, and was quickly being seen as a threat to Cleveland's development.

To thwart this threat, Cleveland destroyed their half of a floating bridge at Main Street which was jointly owned by Cleveland and Ohio City and the only mode of traveling between the two cities. Cleveland then constructed a new bridge further downstream which connected then Cleveland Mayor John W. Willey and developer/friend Jas Clark's "Willeyville" and "Cleveland Centre" developments along the newly constructed Columbus Road. With the Main Street bridge unusable commercial produce traffic had no choice but to use the new Columbus Road to sell their produce at the new Central Market, bypassing the West Side Market altogether. Infuriated Ohio City residents using the rallying cry of "two bridges or none" marched on the new Columbus Road bridge with guns, axes, and other tools in an effort to destroy the bridge. They were met by a mob of Cleveland residents ready to fight and the ensuing "Bridge War" was put down by county sheriff's officers.

That's right, kids - Bridge War. And keep in mind that this whole thing started not because Cleveland destoryed Ohio City's half of the bridge, but because it destroyed its own half. Granted, it then built a new one, but seriously, that's so ridiculous that it's almost genius. Hell, it is genius! I mean, come on - Ohio City couldn't possibly have seen that one coming!

Now, that's not to say that NEOs are mean. Quite the contrary - we're open, warm, kind and generous people, eager to help out the struggling and less fortunate, mostly because if they're doing worse than us, then they must be really down on their luck. So we harbor no ill will toward anyone in principle - we just hate people who are more prosperous than we are. And we will fuck our own shit up in a bid to seek revenge. As if Cleveland couldn't get any more rock, we now have proof that even in the early 1800s, we were having our very own Spinal Tap-esque moments. And then there's the little matter that one area of The Flats is known as Whiskey Island...

Rock. On.

(More information on The Bridge War can be found here and here.)